


Of course you're not shy You don't have to deny love

by bennettmp339



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Bananas, Blow Jobs, Condoms, Fellatio, Gen, M/M, MCU Kink Bingo, Oral Sex, PWP, Plot What Plot, Public Service Announcements - Freeform, Sex Toys, but none were harmed, chapter 2 is all sex, dildo, earns rating in chap 2, explicit condom use, many were embarrassed, no bananas were harmed in the writing of this fic, no glove no love, prophylactic, safe sex, safe sex PSA, silicone replicas of dicks, steve gets his revenge, the first chapter is completely gen, though there is a lot of second-hand embarrassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 02:07:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15571362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bennettmp339/pseuds/bennettmp339
Summary: Steve is roped into giving a safe sex PSA. With bananas. (AKA, the "Steve + banana + condom" fic)





	1. Safe Sex 101: how to properly put on a condom

**Author's Note:**

> For the 2018 MCU Kink Bang. Square filled: I5 - Condom Use/Explicit Protection 
> 
> Thanks to Quarra for the square prompt.
> 
> (edit: the original title of this fic was "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me")  
> Title is from [ "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me," by U2 ](https://open.spotify.com/track/5TsHqbDKaSs4ECZX0045YS?si=RAdFAJulQbyxOjrHB_q8WA).  
> Bono, Clayton, Adam C., The Edge, and Mullen, Jr., Larry J. (1995). Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me. [Recorded by U2]. On _Batman Forever (soundtrack)_. [Computer Disc]. Dublin, Ireland: Island Records.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve demonstrates proper technique for putting on a condom. Using a banana.

Steve stood behind the folding table set up in the television studio, muttering impolite things under his breath about Tony and public service announcements. He was wearing his uniform, and looking incredibly uncomfortable. The folding table had a white table cloth draped over it, falling to the floor, and it was covered in boxes of condoms, sex toys, and lubricants. Steve blushed as he settled behind the table, adjusting the straps of his shield harness to sit better. He wasn’t wearing the shield, just the harness over his tactical suit. He took another look at the table, saw the bunch of bananas and groaned before flipping Tony the finger. 

“Do I have to demonstrate safe sex practices with the bananas? Can’t I just use the… silicone replicas?” Steve picked up one of the life-sized and rather floppy dick-looking silicone objects, and shook it a few times, before chuckling without humor. “Ah, too floppy to really demonstrate proper application technique…” Steve spent the next few minutes familiarizing himself with the items on the table and reading Tony’s script. 

“Tony!” Steve suddenly yelled. “I am not demonstrating proper procedure for a handjob. On a banana!?” Across the studio, everyone looked up, only to see Steve unintentionally holding a banana in front of his crotch with one hand and the script in the other. He was glaring at Tony, who held up his hands in a placating gesture. 

“You don’t have to demonstrate how to jerk off a banana, Steve,” he said. “All you’re doing is demonstrating the difference between a lubricated and a non-lubricated condom.”

“On a banana?!” Steve seemed rather hung up on the banana idea. 

“Or a dildo, yes.” The speaker was a small woman, who was dressed in navy slacks and a cream colored blouse. She had a bluetooth headset in her left ear and was holding a clipboard. She glanced at the silicon replica dicks and shuddered slightly, before continuing, “those bring back a specific memory I’d thought I’d suppressed. Anyway, are you ready to give a safe sex PSA?” At Steve’s slightly hesitant nod, she crossed to the other side of the studio before Steve realized that she’d neither given Steve her name nor explained why she had shudder-inducing memories of floppy silicone replicas of dicks. Steve took a deep breath and readied himself for what was to come. The woman raised her right hand, counted down from 10 in ASL, and Steve started his PSA. 

The PSA itself was blush inducing and almost cringeworthy, as Steve followed Tony’s script to the letter, starting with a cheesy-PSA opening about why it was important to follow safe sex practices. He used a few funny safe sex slogans, reminding everyone to “don’t be a silly, wrap your willy,” “don’t be a fool, cover your tool,” and “no glove, no love.” He reminded everyone to check the expiration date before using a condom, and demonstrated the proper technique for applying a condom as he rolled one down a banana. 

Using four banana of various sizes, Steve explained how a condom should fit, and how to decide which size was the correct size. He wrapped up four bananas, and then stroked them to demonstrate the difference between lubricated and unlubricated condoms. 

While discussing the various types of lubricants, he applied some to his fingers and put it on one of dildos, before wrapping that in a condom. He reminded the audience that oil-based lubricants, including vaseline, should never be used with latex-based condoms and offered suggestions if there was a latex allergy. 

Finally, Steve held a condom wrapped banana up to his mouth, and reminded everyone that condoms should be worn during all sexual acts, including oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex, and any penetration with sex toys. Returning the banana to the table, Steve signed off with another round of cheesy-PSA slogans, ending with, “If you're gonna fight a war, you got to wear a uniform.”

The unnamed woman smiled, and ended the taping with a smirk and, “It’s a wrap!”


	2. Don't mess with Steve Rogers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve get his revenge. Mostly PWP. (Or, don't make him put condoms on bananas)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please see the end note for more details about Steve's revenge.

A few hours later, after Tony and Steve had returned to Stark Tower, Steve dragged Tony out of his lab. Tony had retreated to the fabrication lab after Happy had dropped them off, as he was expecting retribution from the script for the safe sex PSA. You didn’t make someone roll condoms down bananas without expecting some form of payback. If they weren’t… kinda… sorta… maybe… dating, Tony would worry about Steve pulling fraternity house pranks on him. However… Tony was more worried about Steve’s punk side coming out and doing… something… to him. Tony never considered what Steve was going to do to him, though.

Steve dragged Tony from the fabrication lab, and into the elevators. There, Steve, still in his uniform, started nibbling on Tony’s neck and shoulder, his hands roaming all over Tony’s body, ending up cupping his ass through his jeans. Steve used his grip on Tony’s ass to pull his hips tighter against his body, pulling them together, as he slammed Tony gently against the shiny wall of the elevator. Tony was panting and trying his best to grind up against Steve, who was not giving him any friction against his dick. Tony huffed into frustration, moaning a moment later as Steve found the extremely sensitive spot where his neck met his shoulder and lavished attention on it, sucking a deep love bite. Steve gave his neck one last lick and pressed a gentle kiss to the love bite as the elevator doors opened. 

Steve walked backwards, his hands still cupping Tony’s ass, as he led them to the sofa in the living room. They kicked their shoes off, as Steve unfastened Tony’s belt. Tony’s heart rate skyrocketed as he realized that Steve was planning to blow him. Tony closed his eyes, missing the smirk that crossed Steve’s face. With gentle but forceful hands, Steve got Tony seated on the sofa and dropped to his knees. He pulled Tony’s dick out of his trousers, “tsk”ing when he realized that Tony wasn’t wearing underwear. Just before he swallowed Tony down, he looked him in the eyes, and suddenly pulled away to address an invisible camera. He smiled his press and paparazzi smile. 

“So, I showed you how to apply a condom to a banana. Now, there are some differences between a banana and penis, which does change how you roll the condom on. Normally, I’d roll it on with my mouth, but dickface here had me put a condom on a banana today.” Steve stopped to pull a condom packet from one of the pockets on his belt, and opened it with his mouth. He pulled the lubricated condom from the packet, and held it up for the “camera.” “It’s vitally important to remember to pinch the tip of a condom before you apply it, to leave room for any ejaculate.” With a shit eating smile, Steve pinched the tip with one hand and rolled it down Tony’s dick. Tony groaned as Steve stroked him a few times. He looked up with a frustrated moan when Steve stopped.

“Have we learned our lesson, Tony?” Steve asked, a dangerous glint in his eyes, as he held Tony’s dick very loosely. “About making me jack off a banana on television?” When Tony didn’t answer him, Steve stroked him roughly and turned back to the invisible camera. “Now, remember that condoms are important for any sexual act, including handjobs, mutual masturbation, and oral sex.” Steve winked at the camera and took his hand off Tony’s dick as he stood. “I think that’s enough for today. Tune back into tomorrow - I’ll be demonstrating how to apply a condom for penetrative sex. Remember, if you're gonna fight a war, you got to wear a uniform.” With that sign off, Steve wandered off to Tony’s bedroom. He left the door open as he stripped out of his uniform, allowing Tony to get a good look at him. It wasn’t a seductive striptease, but Tony groaned at him from the sofa. Steve exited the bedroom wearing nothing but his blue boxer briefs and an obvious bulge. He glanced at Tony, who was clearly hard as nails and squirming on the couch. Steve slipped his right hand into his underwear as he walked past Tony on his way to the bathroom. 

He paused, and turned back to Tony, hand still in his briefs. “I’m going to go use the restroom. When I come out, you’re going to apologize to me for the bananas this morning and I’ll continue where I left off. However, if I don’t think that you are sincere about your apology, I will put my uniform back on and leave” Steve wandered into the bathroom, leaving Tony sitting on the couch, fully clothed, except for his erection, which was covered in a lubricated latex condom. 

Steve pissed for what felt like forever, before he took his time washing his hands and face. He took in his reflection in the mirror, and smirked slightly. Tony would apologize, he knew, since Tony was aware that he had overstepped on the bananas this morning. Tony had probably realized that he had overstepped very early into the safe sex PSA, but had decided to make Steve go through with it anyway. Steve took a deep breath, and left the bathroom, making sure to palm himself to full hardness before he opened the door. His dick left a nice bulge, the uncut tip clearly visible against the thin and straining material. He walked over to Tony and sat on the coffee table, planting his bulge directly in Tony’s line of sight. Tony whimpered slightly, hands fisted in his trousers. Steve raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Steve, I apologize for overstepping on the safe sex PSA I asked you to do. I know I promised you that there would be no bananas, and I’m sorry for that. I should have made sure that you had a draft of the final script before we got to the studio, as well.” Tony looked completely contrite, and Steve believed him. Steve accepted the apology by swallowing down Tony’s condom-covered dick. Tony groaned, his head hitting the back of the couch with a soft thunk. Steve expertly worked Tony for a few minutes before pulling off and asking if Tony wanted to be pounded into matress. Tony nodded, eyes wide. 

Steve pulled Tony from the couch and into his bedroom, before pulling his trousers off. He gave Tony a gentle push on to the bed, and pulled a bottle of lube and another condom from the drawer in the nightstand. He tossed the condom to Tony, who made a show of checking the expiration date. Steve grinned at him, and settled on the bed, between Tony’s spread legs. 

With efficient fingers, Steve prepped Tony the way Tony liked it, before pulling back and sliding his own underwear off. He settled back between Tony’s legs, and put the condom on his dick, rolling it down with practiced hands. With a murmur of warning, Steve sheathed himself in Tony, biting to keep still. It took a moment, but Tony wrapped his legs around Steve in encouragement. Steve started fucking him slowly, speeding up with Tony’s vocal encouragement.

Tony didn’t last long, not with the previous blow job, coming with a soft sigh. He refused to release his grip on Steve, circling his hips, until Steve came with an equally soft sigh. They lay there together, holding tight, until Tony inhaled sharply and said “cramp, cramp, cramp” as he unwrapped his legs from Steve’s waist. Steve pulled out slowly, and removed his condom before helping Tony stretch his leg out. He rubbed Tony’s calf muscle until the spasm passed, and removed Tony’s condom, tying it off as he tossed it in the wastebasket on his way to get a warm washcloth to clean up with. He kissed Tony gently as he cleaned them up, returning the washcloth to the bathroom. He returned to Tony’s bed, and curled up around Tony, cuddling him as they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve acts like he's about to blow Tony, but starts acting like he's giving another safe sex PSA, complete with a running commentary on how to apply a condom. He makes Tony apologize to him for the bananas, and leaves him sitting on the couch, erect and wearing a condom, while he uses the bathroom. Tony apologizes, and they have sex.


End file.
